Becoming a mother is often described as a miracle—and it is.
But there’s a part of the miracle of motherhood that many women are not truly prepared for—the part where you wake up one day, look in the mirror, and wonder “who is this person?”
But it all brings to the surface something that feels like an impossible task—trying to go back to who you were before the life-changing experience of pregnancy and motherhood.
Then one day, when you see your reflection – the skin that’s a bit looser, stretch marks across your stomach, hair always in a mom bun, a day that feels completely out of control – and you feel not like yourself anymore.
That’s the part no one talks about—how motherhood can make you feel like a stranger in your own life and your own body. It’s a crisis of identity that most of us never saw coming.
Why You’re Feeling This Way
Sounds logical, right?
Get back to our pre-baby bodies. Get back to our old routines. Get back to the way things were. To resume life exactly where we left off before we became mothers—as if nothing’s changed, when in fact, everything’s changed.
You’ll Never Be That Version Of You Again
That thinking, the idea that success as a new mother means going back to some past version of you is often a huge source of frustration and sadness that so many moms feel. Because it’s impossible. You can’t go back.
And here’s why.
Motherhood isn’t just a change. It’s a transformation.
Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, you aren’t who you used to be anymore. Your body has changed. Your brain has rewired. Your priorities, your values, your energy—all shifting into something new.
Trying to get back to your “old normal” is like a butterfly trying to climb back into its cocoon to become a caterpillar again. It doesn’t work, because it’s not supposed to.
Welcome to the Uncharted Territory of Motherhood
Another reason this identity crisis happens is that change – even positive change – feels very scary and uncomfortable. You’re stepping out into the great unknown.
But our human brains are wired to seek the familiar, even when the familiar isn’t practical or accessible anymore.
In the chaos of motherhood, when everything feels new and overwhelming, of course we crave some kind of base. Some kind of stability. A sense of being grounded.
And the most obvious thing to reach for? The old, familiar version of you. The identity you had. It feels simpler – and safer – to go back to something we know than to dive headfirst into something as chaotic and foreign as motherhood.
As a new mom, when you feel you can’t seem to get back to “normal” no matter how hard you try, it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because the old normal you’re chasing was built for a version of you that no longer exists.
So Where Do You Go From Here?
Instead of asking: “How do I get back to feeling like myself?” The real question is: “Who am I now?”
In order to truly feel like yourself again, you need to get to know this new “butterfly” version of you—what she needs, what she wants, and how she is most likely to thrive.
Here’s what helped me and the women I coach:
💡 Get clear on your new values.
What matters to you now? What are your non-negotiables, for yourself and for your family? These values will guide how you spend your time, where you place your energy, and what you say yes (and no) to.
💡 Honor and release the old you.
She was never meant to be your final form. She was part of your story—but not your whole story. You don’t have to erase her. But you don’t have to force yourself to become her again, either.
💡 Give yourself permission to grieve and to grow.
It’s okay to miss parts of your old life and how you used to look. It’s also okay to fall in love with who you are now and the identity you are growing into. Both can exist at the same time.
Focus on Who You’re Becoming
You’re not meant to get “back” to anything. You’re meant to rise like a phoenix into another level of your evolution—to shine in this next phase of your life.
Even if your house is a mess and can’t remember what you walked into the kitchen for, you can still know yourself on a deeper level than ever before.
And that’s powerful.
Who are you becoming, mama? —Marlene
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